


Reasons to Live

by SentientMango



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Crying, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mild Language, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 12:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19109590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SentientMango/pseuds/SentientMango
Summary: Logan knew it was illogical to want to die. He was supposed to live, but he couldn't see his future right now. Dying would be so easy, but life was the building blocks of humanity. Maybe he just needed time. Time to find a reason to live.





	Reasons to Live

Logan slowly made his way over to his desk. His room was in a state of disarray, and he struggled to not step on the random junk that littered his floor. Logan sat down at his desk, and amidst all the clutter of dirty dishes, discarded books, and tissues sat a single notebook. It was opened to a page with three words written on it 'Reasons to Live'. Logan stared at the paper, pen in hand. His hand trembled, as the pen made light contact with the notebook.   
  
Reason One: Laughter. 

 _Logan walked down a long hallway. It was dark, but Logan wasn't scared. Why would he be scared? It was the dark, Logan told himself. It was just the dark. Logan kept walking. The tunnel never seemed to end. The tunnel would never end. It was never ending. It would never end. Never end. A sound echoed through the shadowy tunnel. Logan stopped, his heart pounded. The sound was slow. It felt oddly familiar. A light shone through the tunnel. It encompassed Logan, and then he was sitting against his door. Logan was panting, and sweat dripped down the side of his face._  
  
_Multiple voices floated throughout the air, their laughter blending and mixing with each other to create a new tune. Logan struggled to find his footing, but once he did, he ran out of the room that was trying to suffocate him. Logan followed the sound of the makeshift tune down the hallway. It lead him into the living room. His roommates were sitting around the coffee table, playing a game Logan didn't recognize. They were all laughing. One of them noticed Logan._  
  
_"You wanna join us Specs?"_  
  
  
Logan felt a tear fall dow his face. He needed a break. As Logan lay down on his bed a wave of exhaustion hit him. Maybe he would try again tomorrow.   
  
  
Logan woke up to a stream of sunlight pouring in through his open curtains. He groaned, he wasn't ready to get up. Logan tried to simply turn his back to the sun, but he, unfortunately, was now very awake. Logan felt around on his bedside table for his glasses, before realizing they were still on his face. Logan sighed, he really wasn't in the best shape. He slowly made his way over to his desk, before spotting a bright yellow sticky note resting just past the slit under his door. Logan reluctantly picked it up, and read the words written.  
  
  
**Logan! Hey kiddo. You've got the house to yourself today! Sorry I didn't say bye before I left, but I didn't want to wake you up. Please try to eat something today. There's some food in the fridge, but if you can't manage that, I left some water just outside your door.**  
**Love, Patton <3**  
  
  
Logan riped up the note, throwing it down to scatter all over his already disgusting floor. Logically, he knew Patton was correct. If he continued to ignore his basic human needs, he would surely perish. However, he felt he deserved to suffer. It was only fair. His phone rang.   
  
Logan scrambled around to find where the ringing was coming from before his phone went silent. Logan finally found it under his pillow, and pressed answer without looking at the name.   
  
“Logan?” Asked a familiar voice from the other side of the phone line.   
  
"Virgil." Logan croaked, wincing as his voice came out hoarse, and gravelly from lack of use.  
  
Virgil's voice came soft and calm through the phone, “Hey, Lo. Are you alright? You know you can call me if you need anything, right? Believe me, I wouldn't mind an excuse to skip work.” In spite of Virgil's joking tone, Logan knew it held a deeper message, and Logan didn't care for it.   
  
"I'm fine Virgil. I am perfectly capable at taking care of myself." At this he hung up, and moved to sit at his desk. The list from the night before sat open on his desk. Logan picked up the pen that lay on the side of the paper and began to write.

  
Reason Two: Adventures.

_Logan sat in the passenger seat of his boyfriend's car, as the progressively darkening sky closed in around them. Logan had lost any sense of direction he once had, as they were the only thing around for miles. Suddenly the car stopped._  
  
_"Logan, my love, we've arrived."_  
  
_Logan got out of the car to see the most dazzling sight. They were on top of a mountain, and there was a huge gap through the trees. The stars were bright, and each constellation was more beautiful than the last. The moon shone the brightest Logan had ever seen, and not a single cloud dotted the sky. The night's sky really was more beautiful out in the country._  
  
_"It's stunning" Logan mumbled._  
  
_Roman smiled, and replied, "Yes, the sky out here is even more beautiful than I remember. However, you, my love are more beautiful than all the stars combined."_  
  
_Logan blushed, he would never get used to Roman's flowery language._  
  
_Roman smiled, "Logan Jupiter Wise, you are the light of my life. You are my north star, you lead me, and guide my way. I can't imagine my life without you, you are my world.” At this Roman knelt down and pulled out a deep blue ring box. “These last four years you have made me the happiest I have ever been,” at this he opened to box to reveal a stunning silver ring covered in, to a bystander just dots, however they meant so much more to Logan. After a quick examination Logan realized the ring had the dates of each of there major life events as a couple written in braille. Logan was on the verge of tears, when Roman spoke again, “I wish to make our bond eternal. Logan, will you marry me?"_

  
  
A sob escaped Logan's mouth, the memories of once was flooding his head. Logan brought his knees to his chest. The violent sobs shaking throught his body.   
  
A light knock sounded at his door. Logan hastily wiped the tears from his eyes. How long had it been? Another set of knocks tapped on his door.   
  
"C-Coming."  
  
As Logan opened the door and a small mass ran into him, and then embraced him. Patton had launched himself at Logan.   
  
Patton pulled away, "Lo, are you alright? Virgil and I have been trying to reach you for the last two hours."   
  
"Yes," Logan murmured. His voice was quiet, and it shook slightly as Logan spoke. That was all Patton needed. Patton engulfed him in anothed hug. It was warm and comforting, but Logan didn't want that. He deserved to suffer. Logan bit his tongue so he wouldn't enjoy the feeling of the hug, and pushed Patton away.   
  
"Patton what time is it?"  
  
"It's 1:50 kiddo."  
  
"Go back to work," Logan snapped.  
  
"It's alright, I just got here, I'm sure I can call-"  
  
"No! Go back to work. If your attendence from your job slips, you will be fired. I can handle myself."  
  
Patton was clearly a little shaken by the force behind Logan's words, but he nodded. "Alright Lo. Just call if you need anything."   
  
Logan closed the door as Patton left. He didn't relax until he heard the front door close and lock. Logan walked back to his desk with a new thought in mind.   
  
Reason Three: Tomorrow.  
  
_Logan stood on the edge of a building. The wind blew through his hair as it tried to push him back, and further onto the building. An occasional car would pass far below him, never stopping, never slowing down, never noticing him. Jump. It would be so easy._  
  
_"Logan?" A frantic voice was behind him. Logan recognize it. This was the opposite of what he wanted to happen._  
  
_"Roman... Please leave," Logan begged._  
  
_"No! Hun, my love, please step away from the edge! If you are unhappy with our marriage, we can get a divorce, but please, please don't throw your life away!" Roman's voice was desperate, and panicked, and Logan knew it was taking all of his willpower not to run and grab Logan away from the edge._  
  
_Roman took a hesitant step forward, and in response Logan felt his leg twitch. Roman immediately stopped._  
  
_"Okay, I'll stay over here." Roman held his hands up in surrender, "Just please, don't jump."_  
  
_"Roman, I need you to go."_  
  
_"Please Logan, I can't do that. If I leave you now, I won't forgive myself. Please don't throw your life away."_  
  
_Logan ran one of his fingers over the ring on his left hand, he wasn’t worth this. He didn’t deserve Roman._  
  
_"If this because of me, I'll call Patton, just please... Please don't jump."_  
  
_"What? No! Roman, this has nothing to do with you. I just... I'm not... I don't deserve this."_  
  
_"Logan, my love, my one and only, do you remember what I said when I asked you to marry me?"_  
  
_Logan stared down at the sidewalk, so far away. He didn't say a word._  
  
_"Please Logan, I love you. I care so deeply for you. My life would be incomplete without you!” Roman’s voice became weak, “Please my love, don't do it."_  
  
_Logan's legs suddenly felt very weak. The height he was standing at became suddenly dizzying, and Logan felt like he might fall. Logan no longer wanted to fall. He wanted to live. Logan stumbled backwards, and Roman wrapped his arms around him._  
  
_"Shh, Logan, it's alright, you're alright."_  
  
Logan suddenly felt an overwhelming rush of emotion. The walls of the house were closing in on him, and he couldn't breath. Logan sprinted out of his house, not knowing or caring where he was going. After a while of just running with no where in mind Logan stopped. The cemetery loomed in front of him, the sunset illuminating its sign. The intimidating gates, and lonley graves haunted Logan's nightmares. Logan took one step forward, then hesitantly took another. Eventually he stood in front of a grave. Old flowers littered the ground around it.   
  
Logan collapsed. The truth he had tried to suppress surged to the surface, and a lump formed in his throat, as if the thought itself was trying to crawl out of his mouth.   
  
Logan inhaled sharply, and as he tried to supress the tears that threatened to spill over his eyes, the reality of the situation struck him hard.  
  
Logan covered his mouth to try and muffle the hicupping sobs that escaped his lips, but they still echoed through the empty graveyard.   
  
Logan wasn't sure how long he knelt there, he wasn't sure how long he cried for, but when he could think again, Logan came to a realization.   
  
Roman. He was his reason to live. Logan wished he had brought his notebook, but he made a mental note.  
  
For Him.  
  
_"Logan, get off me, I've got to go to work!" Roman wined as he desperately tried to push Logan off him, and onto the couch besides them._  
  
_"Roman, please don't go to work, it's so snowy. I don't want you to get hurt."_  
  
_"Oh, please," Roman scoffed, "Careful is my middle name, Roman Careful Prince."_  
  
_"Roman, that isn't your middle name. All I'm trying to tell you, is there's a statistically higher probability to get in a car accident when it is stormy out." Logan lectured._  
  
_"Fine dearest, if it really bothers you that much, I'll just stay the morning, and when I come back for lunch, I'll just stay here."_  
  
_"I'm really not going to convince you, am I?"_  
  
_"Nope!" Roman said, popping the 'p'._  
  
_"Fine. I love you. See you later"_  
  
_"I love you more, my love. See you at noon."_  
  
_~~_  
  
_"Mr. Prince? Hello, I am Thomas Sanders, Chief of Police."_  
  
_"Salutations Officer. What can I do for you?"_  
  
_"May I come in?"_  
  
_"Of course. Is everything alright?"_  
  
_"Please, sit down."_  
  
_Logan complied sitting in the armchair as Thomas sat on the couch. There was a tension in the air that Logan couldn't put his finger on, but it made him extremely uneasy._  
  
_"So Mr. Prince-" Thomas started._  
  
_"Please officer, call me Logan."_  
  
_"Yes, alright. Logan, you are the husband of Roman Prince, is that correct?"_  
  
_"Yes, that is correct, is he alright?"_  
  
_"No, I'm incredibly sorry, and I regret to inform you that Roman Prince was pronounced dead at 11:36 this morning. He was in a car accident, and he died on the way to the hospital."_  
  
_Logan looked at Thomas with confusion. Roman can't be dead, he would be home in a few minutes. This man was lying._  
  
_"No. He's not dead." Logan's tone was firm and he was confident, until he saw Thomas' expression. Thomas looked sympathetic, and sad._  
  
_"Logan, I know that this is hard to wrap your head around, death is a very hard subject to understand, and--"_  
  
_"No! No... He can't be dead. He isn't dead." Logan took a deep breath, "Sir, if you are done lying to me I would appreciate if you left my home."_  
  
_Thomas looked a bit dejected, but he nodded, "Alright, I'll go. Do you have a friend you could call?"_  
  
_"Well sir, my husband is on his way home."_  
  
_Thomas sighed, "Listen Logan, I understand that you don't believe me, but I need you to call a friend of yours. I can't leave you alone right now."_  
  
_Logan rolled his eyes, "Fine." Logan took his phone out and found Patton's number. After four rings Patton picked up._  
  
**_Hello?_**  
  
_"Patton?"_  
  
**_Hey Logan! What’s up?_**  
  
_"I need you to come over."_  
  
**_Huh? Is everything alright?_**  
  
_Logan felt his breath catch, the words he wanted to say not coming out of his mouth._  
  
**_Logan? Are you okay?_**  
  
_Logan tried to say he was fine, but the words wouldn't form. The only sound he could make was a small gasp._  
  
**_Oh Logan, honey, we'll be right over. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?_**  
  
_Logan still couldn't bring himself to speak, but Patton understood what he wanted._  
  
**_It's alright, Lo, I'm not going anywhere._**  
  
_Logan heard Patton's voice faint calling for Virgil, before he broke down on the floor. His phone press against his ear, and if Patton was talking he couldn't hear him._  
  
_Days went by, time was blurry, like the snow falling outside. Logan hated the snow._  
  
_A knock sounded at his door._  
  
_"Hey Lo? Are you there?" Patton's gentle voice floated through the door._  
  
_Logan was curled up sitting in the floor of his kitchen. He should open the door to Patton and Virgil, but then they would all have to leave. Logan didn't want to leave, he didn't want it to be real._  
  
_"Logan, please open the door!" Virgil's voice cut through his thoughts. Although he wasn't sure how long Virgil and Patton had been trying to get in, enough time had passed for Virgil to become frantic._  
  
_"Logan, please open the door or something, anything! We need to know you're still alive!"_  
  
_Logan slowly made his way to the door, he wasn't ready to go, but Logan knew he didn't have a choice._  
  
_The door opened, and Logan was immediately smothered in a warm hug. To Logan's surprise it had come from Virgil._  
  
_"Shit Logan, I thought you were dead!" Logan waited to here Patton's usual complaint around Virgil's language, but it never came._  
  
_"Logan?" Patton asked after Virgil pulled away, "Are you ready to go?"_  
  
_Logan felt his breath stop in his throat. No. He wasn't ready. He couldn't do this. He wasn't strong. Roman was his strength, his bravery. Roman was gone. He couldn't be gone. How could he live without him?_  
  
_"Logan? Sweatheart?"_  
  
_A choked sob started an avalanche of tears._  
  
_"Oh Lo," Patton wrapped Logan in a tight hug. It was comforting, but it didn't stop the tears from steadily falling down his cheeks._  
  
_"Let it out, let it out, Lo. I know, it hurts. Shh. It'll be okay. We'll be okay." Patton's soothing voice washed over him._  
  
_Even when Logan pulled away, his tears still steadily fell. Logan doubted those would stop for awhile._  
  
_"Logan?" Virgil spoke quietly, "Hey, I know this might not be what you want to hear, but you have to come with us. I know you don't want to, but you'll regret it if you don't."_  
  
_"I know."_  
  
_"We'll get through this." Virgil reassured._  
  
_"Together."_  
  
Logan was leaning against his late husband's grave. His eyes were closed, and although he didn't know what time it was, he knew where he was. In the distance, he heard a voice calling out. Logan couldn't understand what it was saying, but he hoped they found what they were looking for.   
  
Logan slowly opened his eyes, it was pitch black out. The sun must have set a few hours ago. The stars were dim in the sky, and for whatever reason the moon was hidden.  
  
The voice was getting closer, he hoped they didn't come over here. He couldn't handle talking to someone right now, but the voice finally came into range, Logan recognized it Virgil.  
  
He was yelling, "Logan? Logan? Logan are you here?"   
  
Logan saw Virgil come around the bend. He heard a small sigh escape from his friend, as he saw Logan. Virgil sat down on the ground next to Logan.  
  
"Hey, Lo. How are you doing?"  
  
Logan couldn't bring himself to answer Virgil, but he lay his head gently on Virgil's shoulder.   
  
"I'm glad your alright. Patton and I both felt so guilty, but your fine. You aren't dead. I didn't lose--" Virgil's rambling was cut off at the sound of his phone ringing.  
  
Virgil frantically answered his phone, "Hey Pat. Slow down, I can't understand what you're saying. Oh shit, are you crying? What did Val say? Oh, fuck that's what this is about, everything is fine, I found Logan. Yeah. We're at the cemetery. Sure, I'll ask." Virgil turned to face Logan, "Hey Lo, Patton was wondering if he could talk to you."  
  
Logan nodded, Patton deserved answers to any questions he might have. Virgil put the phone on speaker.   
  
Logan took a deep breath, "Hey Patton."  
  
**“Logan?”**  Patton's shaky voice came through the phone, followed by a quiet sniffle, it was clear he had been crying.   
  
"Patton, I'm sorry."  
  
**“Oh, Lo. This isn't just your fault. You weren't home, and I saw your notebook, and I guess I just jumped to conclusions, but--”**  
  
"My notebook?"  
  


**“Yeah, I'm sorry I shouldn't have read it, but I saw the title, and I got scared, and--”**

  
"Patton, slow down. I am not angry with you. Honestly, I'm glad you're worried about me. I'm sorry I scared you, I should have thought to leave a note or bring my phone with me."   
  
**“No, kiddo... I'm sorry. You’re hurting, and you feel like you can’t come to me, to us. That's not your fault.”**  
  
Virgil cut in at this point, "Patton's right Logan. You should be able to come to us for anything, especially right now."  
  
**“We're all trying to work through this, kiddo.”**  
  
"We'll get through this."   
  
Logan smiled.  
  
"Together."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the Logan angst, I just felt like being mean to him today you know? Well anyway hope it turned out well!
> 
> ~Mango <3


End file.
